Goose Season
by thehopefulGinnyPotter
Summary: It is the Final Battle, and Harry Potter is ready. Mentioned HPOFC.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I have no claim over anything except the plot. I also have no rights to the drug Viagra. I can't even say that I use it. I also don't condone the killing of animals. Please note that this is a parody, so some of the OOCness should be excused. I also have no idea if England has a Goose Season. This is unbeta-ed. Reviews are nice!

* * *

**Goose Season **

Months of training, gallons of sweat, and much heartache for Harry Potter, all accumulated in a single event, the final battle. The Dark Lord Voldemort launched a surprise attack at Hogwarts right after the graduation ceremony. The occupants were caught off guard but were ready to fight. After all, the former members of the Defense Association were all in attendance and ready to fight.

Even nature, with all of its knowledge, didn't know about the impending attack. The lake was filled with ducks and geese, while the Merpeople could be seen playing near the shallows. Though at the first sign of battle, the majority of the peace-loving creatures had fled.

The final battle raged fiercely on both sides. The forces of light and dark both were suffering heavy losses. It was hard to tell just who was winning at the moment and chaos reigned. Harry Potter savagely cut down any masked wizard that got in his way. Instead of imagining all the horrible atrocities that each of the Death Eaters had most likely committed, he saw the face of his latest girl-, make that ex-girlfriend.

Dumbledore had told him that the greatest power was love, so Harry decided it was well within his duties, as the savior of the wizarding world, to 'discover' love. He thought he had been in love a few times but those relationships had never lasted. Most of the girls had fell to the pressure of the wizarding media and given their stories to the papers. Harry couldn't decide which was worse, the fact that several girls had proclaimed his prowess in bed or that those statements caused girls to throw themselves at him. _The nerve of them! Didn't they know that half of the thrill was the chase! _He pulled his attention back to the battle at hand with a jerk.

He viciously ended the life of Rabastan Lestrange and hastily threw up a shield, saving the life of Remus Lupin. He watched approvingly as Remus fired off a curse that sent several Death Eaters screaming toward the lake.

'_I mean honestly!' he thought crossly, 'Erica was so beautiful, but would it have hurt her to shut up for one second! One minute she is all_, I love you Harry, come meet my parents!_, and the next she is complaining at me because I am always away. She is always shouting and saying I don't want to work on our relationship. Well who has the time? She knows I have to friggin' save the world!_'

Harry was just mindlessly ending the lives of all the Death Eaters he came upon, so it came as a surprise when he nearly got his head cut off by his own cutting curse. He focused his attention on the group in front of him and was slightly surprised to notice that he was facing the self-proclaimed 'Lord Voldemort' himself and a group of his inner circle members.

"So Potter, ready to join your pathetic parents and your worthless mutt of a godfather?" Voldemort hissed. Harry just gave him a penetrating look and sighed.

"Ah yes, I do believe that one was from _The Dark Lord's Book of Evil Sayings _that was number five hundred and ninety-seven, right?" Harry replied as though taking to a small child. A few nearby members of the Order of the Phoenix chuckled at the incensed look on Voldemort's face.

"It's five hundred and ninety-eight!" a nearby masked figure said heatedly. Harry's mouth dropped open. He didn't even notice when a member of the DA ended the masked man's life. He did notice when another Death Eater replied by avenging his comrade. Harry flicked his wand casually, barely noting when the man exploded in a shower of blood and gore except to casually wipe a speck of blood off of his glasses. _It's a real book? Since when? _Harry was impressed in spite of himself. _That must be a helluva thing to memorize! I was so close, only one number off. I need to try harder._

"You know Tom," Harry smiled at the enraged hiss the name generated, "you really ought to expand your repertoire of insults."

"Just die Potter, die!" Voldemort screamed in a high girly voice that made Harry want to cover his ears. Absently, Harry noted that his insults seemed to be getting worse, rather than better. That insult seemed to mark the start of the battle as the Dark Lord launched the killing curse at Harry. With a flick of his wand, the cure was deflected almost straight up in the air. The curse traveled up until it intercepted a passing goose which, unknown to the people on the ground, began to fall back to earth. Harry retaliated with a Bat-Bogey curse. _Erica's favorite, _he thought sardonically.

Even against his most hated enemy, he was loath to use such a curse. He had been under it too many times to want to willingly inflict that horror on anyone. _Well, anyone but Draco Malfoy, because he is a poncey little git, _he mused to himself. _Speaking of poncey gits... _He shot a pink spell at Malfoy and watched in satisfaction and amusement as the blonde boy's hair grew to his knees and began attempting to strangle him.

The two wizards battled intensely. Curses flew in all directions. Lord Voldemort was prone to smirking at his opponent's bad aim until he realized all of the curses that 'missed' had ended the lives of at least one of his followers. Their duel was rapidly approaching fifteen minutes and both of the participants were tiring greatly. Both had scored several hits on the other. Harry was sporting several bruises, a small cut on the cheek, and a broken left wrist.

Voldemort was sporting very long and blonde curly hair that he kept tripping over, his face was painted up like a clown's, and a frilly light blue dress that came complete with a parasol that hit him in the back of the head repeatedly.

Harry and Voldemort paused briefly and eyed each other critically. _This isn't working. I need a new plan. _As both participants circled each other, trying to catch their wind, they didn't notice a small blonde boy come up and snap several photos. Voldemort tossed his long, blonde, hair out of his face and sneered haughtily at him. Harry shuddered at how well Voldemort seemed to adapt to being a girl. He hadn't been a girl for an hour before he managed that impressive hair-toss-thingy. _Either he's been taking acting lessons or he has spent WAY too much time possessing females lately. _He shot several killing curses toward Harry but he managed to deflect them harmlessly into the sky.

The duel resumed and Harry focused his entire attention on the creature in front of him. Heated spells were exchanged for some time before Harry's concentration was broken by the sound of his name being called. He looked toward the source of the noise and dodged hastily to avoid losing his wand arm._What's the big idea? _he thought angrily, _I love that arm. Hell, many girls would want to kill you for hurting that arm._

"Harry! Harry! HARRY!" a voice shrieked again. Harry shifted slightly until he could see a pretty blonde woman weaving her way through the various fights. The woman was perfectly done up in a dress and stilettos. She was easily one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen outside of the Veelas. A nearby member of the D.A. ended the life of a troll causing blood to splatter onto the woman's shoes. The woman looked at the blood on her designer shoes and sneered at the oblivious D.A. member. With a flick of her wand and a toss of her hair, which was eerily similar to Voldemort's, the blood vanished.

Voldemort and Harry looked on incredulously, their duel temporarily forgotten as they watched the woman make her way to them. The girl finally reached them and smoothed out her clothes and stood up straighter, waiting for Harry to speak She didn't spare a glance for Voldemort.

"Erica, what are you doing here?!" he asked in a disbelieving tone. The Dark Lord bristled at the casual dismissal he got. He was rated number one in the i Witch Weekly's 'Do Not Cross' List /i for four years in a row. That, at the very least, merited him a glance!

"Oh Harry, you simply must take me back! I don't know what I was thinking breaking up with you. How could I? What I mean to say is, I know now why you couldn't work on our relationship! Of course, you were to busy working out to do things with me. That's good, because I couldn't be seen with a guy without a lot of muscles now could I? I mean, what else could you be doing?"

Harry and Voldemort shared amazed looks and the Dark Lord cleared his throat angrily at the little importance the woman put on him. Erica looked at the feared Lord Voldemort and sneered. She flipped her hair at him. Voldemort flipped his hair back and smiled at the girl's gasp of suprise.

"Who did your makeup? It looks so… bad! It is like one of those muggle films, completely unrealistic! And that dress! Light blue is _so_ not the color for your complexion. If I was you, and I'm glad I'm not, I would go more with the pale yellows. Who knows, it might even give your skin a little color!" she paused momentarily before doing a double take.

"Oh dear! Your hair has awful split ends. How can you stand to be seen in public like that, it's a disgrace! No wonder you don't have more people in your… club, the image you are presenting is all wrong! I would advise you to go change your robes!" Erica gave the now speechless drag queen a condescending pat on the hand and turned to Harry again.

"Harry, watching you get rid of all your opponents has been so hot. Once you're done with this whole battle thing, I'm going to…" she whispered something in his ear that made his cheeks burn red. "Ooh, then when this is all done, we can get a puppy! Isn't that a great idea? Maybe a poodle? Or a Golden Retriever? We could name it Princess Amelia! What do you think?"

Harry just looked at her, gobsmacked, his blush fading as he looked at the woman in front of him incredulously. She seemed to take his silence for assent for she began to prattle on about decorating their flat in Night-Jasmine, a plant that flowered near young love.

Bellatrix Lestrange pushed her way to the front of the group behind Voldemort and threw a silencing curse at the unsuspecting blonde. The girl stomped her foot a few times before gesturing angrily for Harry to reverse the curse. After getting increasingly angry at her old boyfriend's lack of activity she waved her wand and the words**, WE ARE OVER HARRY POTTER **appeared in the air in front of her. The girl stormed off in a huff at his nod of approval.

_I swear to Merlin, girls are going to be the death of me! Now, if I could only figure out how to kill this tosser. _Harry suddenly got a flash of inspiration. Acting quickly, he vanished all of the Dark Lord's clothes.

Harry caught sight of Voldemort's embarrassingly small genitalia and fell to the ground laughing.

Bellatrix turned to her master and gave an indignant shriek.

"How is it that small? It wasn't that time… when we…" she trailed off angrily. "How did you manage…" Voldemort looked down; his entire face and now bald head blushing red. His answer was so quiet it was almost unintelligible.

"Severus… Enhancing Miagra Potion," he stammered out.

"What so the whole thing was a LIE?" the enraged woman screamed. "Diffindo!" she cried out. With a strangled gurgle, the Dark Lord's legs separated from his body. The dark Lord looked at the pair of legs that were once his and screamed. Harry gathered up enough control to banish the monster's heart from his body.

Harry was now helpless in his laughter, rolling on the ground. _Dumbledore was right! The power he knew not was love, or was it lust… Oh that is just priceless. I didn't even know if that would work. _He was so busy laughing that he didn't even notice Bellatrix approach his prone form.

"You will pay for the misery you have caused me! Avad-" she was cut off as a goose with a look of surprise on its dead face crashed into her head, killing her instantly. Harry, puzzled at his opponent's death, merely shrugged before he went back to laughing.

With the death of their leader and their second in command, many of the remaining Death Eaters surrendered their wands. Once the final duels had ended, Harry's friends gathered around him with congratulations. Harry was happy to notice his two best friends holding hands.

He quickly recounted the last moments of Voldemort's life for the amusement of his friends. The group was laughing so he was unprepared for the assault of Hermione.

"Oh my goodness Harry! It isn't goose season! You are going to be in so much trouble!"

Harry just laughed.


End file.
